Daria Wars Episode One: The Lawndale Menace
by Ninth Doctor Fan
Summary: This is a parody of Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace using the characters of Daria. That is about the best description that I can think of right now. If that is not your thing, don't read. If it is your thing, then I hope you enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

First off, I own neither Daria (MTV or whoever owns that) nor Star Wars (George Lucas owns that). I am not making anything off of this. I hope that you all enjoy.

Chapter One: "It gets better after this, I promise" –George Lucas

(The screen is black, these blue word fade in.

A long time ago in a galaxy…uh, you know the rest.

(The "Theme from Star Wars" by John Williams begins the words DARIA WARS appear and move to the background into space. Words start to scroll upwards)

**Episode I:**

**The Lawndale Menace**

Turmoil has engulfed the

Galactic Republic. The taxation

of trade routes and sporting events

in outlying star systems is in dispute.

Hoping the resolve the matter

with a blockade of deadly battleships,

the greedy and athletic LAWNDALE FEDERATION

has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.

While the Congress of the Republic endlessly debates

the sportsmanship of these events, Supreme Chancellor Landon

has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace,

justice, and sarcasm in the galaxy, to settle the conflict….

(Camera pans down and a red ship flies through space. The ship approaches several donut shaped ships around the planet Naboo.)

(Cut to interior of ship's bridge where the Captain and Pilot are running the ship, and two robed individuals stand behind them. The taller of the two speaks)

AMY-GON: Captain, inform the Federation of our intention to land.

CAPTAIN: Yes, sir.

(The Captain turns to the transmitter and hails the Lawndale Federation Viceroy Kevin Gunray)

CAPTAIN: The Ambassadors of the Chancellor would like to board in order to commence negotiations.

VICEROY KEVIN: Sure, you may board. But I will assure that our blockade is like legal and stuff.

(The Ambassador ship lands in the docking bay of the main Federation ship. All around the bay are several of the Federation's battle droids; they are built rather simply, no real armor at all. They wear cheerleader outfits)

(The two knights exit the ship, and they are met up by a silver plated protocol droid)

TC-14: Greetings, I am TC-14. Welcome to the Lawndale Federation Flagship. I will escort you to the main conference room.

(In the conference room, the two Knights remove their hoods, revealing the knights to be Amy-Gon Jinn and Dari-Wan Kenobi. TC-14 moves to close the door.)

TC-14: My masters will be with you shortly.

(After TC-14 leaves, Amy-Gon and Dari-Wan sit down and get comfortable at the table.)

DARI-WAN: I have a bad feeling about this.

AMY-GON: Oh, I hate it when people say that.

DARI-WAN: Why?

AMY-GON: Because it always means that something bad, or at least very stunningly theatrical, is about to happen. And I would rather have a routine mission.

DARI-WAN: You mean like the one where we had to take on Gozer in the form of a Giant Slor.

AMY-GON: Yeah, actually. Besides, these Federation types are all the same, cowardly. That's why Viceroy Kevin always wears the pads. We just flex a little diplomatic muscle, and he'll cave. The negotiations will be short.

(Meanwhile, on the control deck of the Federation Ship, Viceroy Kevin and his lackeys Robert Dofine and Brittany Haako have just gotten a report from TC-14)

ROBERT: Jedi Knights here. Oh, man.

KEVIN: Quiet. (To another LF person) Show me the chicks.

LF DUDE: Patching in Security Camera 12.

(An image of Amy-Gon and Dari-Wan appear on the main viewer. Over the monitors, they hear)

DARI-WAN: (over speaker) Mistress Amy-Gon, how long will they make us wait here. I'm going to miss Sick, Sad Galaxy.

AMY-GON: (over speaker) I know. I sense an awful lot of fear for a mere dispute.

ROBERT: Great, they're gonna totally tell us to leave.

KEVIN: No they won't. Distract them, I will contact Darth Li.

ROBERT: Are you brain-dead? I'm not going down there with those two.

KEVIN: Hey, man, I'm the QB, you'll make the play.

ROBERT: Dude, we're not on the field.

KEVIN: Whatever, dude, send the droid.

(TC-14 walks away. Kevin, Brittany and Robert walk over to the transmission area.)

KEVIN: Call her up, man.

ANOTHER LF LACKEY: Yes, Viceroy.

(After a few moments of waiting, a hologram appears. Darth Li wears a black body length robe.)

LI: What is it, Viceroy?

(Robert rushes up to the hologram, scared)

ROBERT: Your plans have failed, ma'am. We can't go against these chicks.

LI: Viceroy, get this over-steroid-ed jock out of my sight.

(Robert, unsure of himself, leaves in a huff)

LI: Viceroy, we must speed up our plans. Begin landing your pep squads.

KEVIN: Look, Lady, is that legal? I don't wanna get a penalty, y'know.

LI: I will make it legal.

KEVIN: And the two chicks?

LI: Chancellor Landon shouldn't have brought them into this. Kill them.

(The hologram disappears. Kevin turns to another lackey.)

KEVIN: Kill the Brains. Destroy their ship. Start the landing. I'M THE QB!

(Meanwhile back in the conference room, Amy-Gon and Dari-Wan are still sitting, but Dari-Wan is now reading a book and Amy-Gon seems to be nodding off. Suddenly, the ground shutters violently and Dari-Wan falls out of her chair)

DARI-WAN: What happened?

AMY-GON: (suddenly alert) That was probably our ship being destroyed.

DARI-WAN: (deadpan) Oh no, I had my summer wardrobe on that ship.

AMY-GON: I don't think there's going to be any negotiations.

DARI-WAN: I told you I had a bad feeling about this.

AMY-GON: Oh, shut up, young padawan.

DARI-WAN: What do you think the Viceroy is going to do now?

AMY-GON: Well, they've already destroyed our ship. He'll probably next try to gas us to death, but we'll hold our breaths. Then he'll send in the cheer droids to finish us off. Then, after we've dispatched the cheer droids, we'll make for the control deck, where the Viceroy and his lackeys will likely surrender.

(The doors to the room open. In walk several large droids built like football players)

AMY-GON: Or he can just jump to the Jock-droids.

(Amy-Gon and Dari-Wan pull out their lightsabers and start fighting the Jock-droids)

(Cut back to the bridge where Kevin, Brittany, and Robert watch the fighting)

BRITTANY: I told you they would be no match for the Jocks!

ROBERT: YEAH! Take that!

(A LF Lackey walks up to Kevin)

LF LACKEY: Viceroy, we're receiving a message from the surface.

KEVIN: On screen.

(The viewscreen switches from the Knights fighting Jocks to an image of the fourteen year-old Queen Jane Amidala of Naboo.)

BRITTANY: It's Queen Amidala.

KEVIN: Dude, she's hot!

(Brittany hits him on the back of the head)

KEVIN: Oww! Babe, why'd you do that?

JANE: (sarcastic) I have no time for pleasantries, Viceroy. The Chancellor has informed me that his Ambassadors are with you now. The blockade is over.

KEVIN: (chuckles) I don't know anything about these "Ambassadors". You, like, ass-ume a lot

JANE: (Frowning) Be careful, the Federation has gone too far.

(The image disappears. The view comes back to the conference room, the Knights are gone and the Jocks have been destroyed.)

KEVIN: Where are they?

BRITTANY: I don't know!

ROBERT: Seal off all major areas.

BRITTANY: We have to hurry; the Queen may suspect an attack.

KEVIN: Cut their calls, man.

(Cut to the Theed Palace on Naboo. Queen Jane Amidala sits in her throne. Several official looking people, including Governor Max Bibble, sit in chairs around the court. Captain Trent Panaka stands at the side of the throne. Several handmaidens stand behind the throne. In the middle of the room, Senator Angela Palpatine stands as a hologram.)

PALPATINE: What do you mean the ambassadors haven't arrived? Chancellor Landon said that he sent them. I have his……ances…………did arrive…………… (The hologram disappears)

JANE: They've cut our communications.

MAX: A communications disruption can mean only one thing, invasion.

TRENT: He's right, Your Highness. The Federation must be landing as we speak.

JANE: No. I can't believe that Kevin would stoop to invading our planet.

MAX: The Senate would probably revoke their trade licenses.

TRENT: Your Highness, we must act quickly. If the Federation is attacking, we must get you to safety. Our security volunteers are no match for their pep squads.

JANE: I won't condone a course of action that will lead us to war. Surrender the planet.

MAX: SURRENDER!?! WE'RE CRIMINALES, WE DON'T SURRENDER!

EVERYONE ELSE: SHUT UP, MAX!!!

NARRATOR: This is the end of part one. Will Kevin and Darth Li win? Will the Queen really surrender? Where are Amy-Gon and Dari-Wan? Tune in next time, same bat-time, same bat-channel….

Please R&R any feedback is welcome


	2. Chapter 2

First off, I own neither Daria (MTV or whoever owns that) nor Star Wars (George Lucas owns that). I am not making anything off of this. I hope that you all enjoy.

Part Two:

NARRATOR: Okay, everyone, quick recap. The Lawndale Federation led by Viceroy Kevin Gunray has blockaded Naboo. Supreme Chancellor Andrew Landon sent Jedi Knight Amy-Gon Jinn and her Padawan Dari-Wan Kenobi to negotiate. However, Darth Li ordered Kevin to invade Naboo, and Queen Jane Amidala has decided to surrender. We now return to our two heroes who are even now being hounded by a rather pathetic life form…

(Cut to the Naboo jungles where Amy-Gon is running away from a large Federation Tank. As she runs, she tries to keep animals out of the way. One of these animals is tall and humanoid, and too stupid to run away. Amy-Gon, not able to get him away, jumps on the creature, and the tank drives over them, but they are safe because the Tank rides on a three-foot cushion of air.)

CREATURE: Well, Heyo-dallee. I just love a woman who takes charge. Feisty!

(Amy-Gon stands. The creature stands as well, he is tall, bright orange, has long floppy ears, and is dressed rather shoddily. On the top of his head is a patch of very curly, very red hair. And he smiles lecherously.)

AMY-GON: (Shouting) ARE YOU BRAINLESS?! YOU ALMOST GOT US KILLED!

UPCHUCK: (Unfazed) Hi, I'm Upchuck Binks. Pleased to make your acquaintance. Rowrl. How about we find somewhere and get better acquainted.

AMY-GON: Please. Are all the members of your species chauvinists like you?

UPCHUCK: No, I'm special.

AMY-GON: I'll bet. Now get out of here. (starts walking away)

UPCHUCK: (following) No way. It's not everyday that a suave person like myself meets a ravishingly feisty woman as you. I'm not letting you go that easily.

(Before Amy-Gon can retort, Dari-Wan appears. She is running through the area, followed by several cheer-droids firing their blasters.)

AMY-GON: (throwing Upchuck to the ground) DOWN!

(Amy-Gon pulls out her lightsaber, and deflects the blasts back. The droids are destroyed. Dari-Wan approaches Amy-Gon and Upchuck, she is soaking wet.)

DARI-WAN: Hello, Mistress. Sorry but I couldn't take them out myself.

(Dari-Wan pulls out her lightsaber, it is covered with moss and grass.)

AMY-GON: You fried the matrix again. Dari-Wan, how many times must I tell you not to ignite a soaked lightsaber unless it has a guard for the crystal.

UPCHUCK: (standing up) Well, another feisty female specimen. Dare I dream?

DARI-WAN: What's this?

AMY-GON: A local. Slimy one, too.

DARI-WAN: Aha. (A loud crunching is heard in the background) We better get moving.

(Amy-Gon and Dari-Wan start walking away, content to leave Upchuck to the Pep Squads, but he follows them lecherously)

UPCHUCK: If you don't mind my saying…

AMY-GON: Oh, but we do mind…

UPCHUCK: …but the safest place to go to would be Otoh Gunga, a hidden city. Perhaps we could-

DARI-WAN: (cutting him off) A hidden city.

AMY-GON: (quietly) We should warn this city, they may be able to distract the Pep Squads as we go to Theed.

DARI-WAN: (quietly) Besides, we have to seek out new life and new civilizations.

AMY-GON: (quietly) Funny, young Padawan. But I do believe that the Federation we deal with has ulterior motives from that one. (louder, to Upchuck) Alright, Upchuck; take me to your leader.

UPCHUCK: Follow me, madam feisty, I, Senor Suavecito-

DARI-WAN: Can it Upchuck. Just lead the way.

UPCHUCK: Fine.

(Upchuck leads the two Knights through the marshlands. They end up at the edge of a large lagoon)

UPCHUCK: Right this way, my ladies.

(Upchuck jumps into the lagoon by doing a double backwards somersault while whistling the star spangled banner)

DARI-WAN: Great, more water.

AMY-GON: Let's get this over with.

(Amy-Gon and Dari-Wan wade into the water, and then follow Upchuck through the lagoon. Under water they see a large city made up of large bioluminescent globes encasing large structures. They land on a platform protruding from one of the globes. Upchuck leads them through the gelatinous material)

DARI-WAN: Walls of Jell-O®. Just hope they don't run out of food.

(As the three dry off, they see several Gungans walking around, strutting actually. The city is populated by fashion models. One of the Gungans, on a mount, comes forward. Captain Claude immediately zeroes in on Upchuck)

CLAUDE: Upchuck, you know that you were banished. Boss Romanica is not going to be happy with you.

DARI-WAN: Forget to mention something, Senor Suavesito?

(Claude finally notices the two Knights)

CLAUDE: I am Captain Claude. I am in charge of security. Welcome to Otoh Gunga. Here we try to look good and be beautiful. Follow me.

(The three adventurers follow Claude)

AMY-GON: I find it interesting that even in an underwater city, we still have to deal with a Dolph Lundgren type like this.

DARI-WAN: I find it interesting that his brain was able to generate enough power to say that.

(Meanwhile, Upchuck tries to hit on each and every female in sight. That is, until they arrive at the Boss's meeting hall. Seated encircling the room, the leaders of the Gungan community look down on Amy-Gon, Dari-Wan, Upchuck, and Captain Claude. In the middle, and on a larger throne-like chair sits Boss Romanica.)

ROMANICA: I thought we told you never to come back!

UPCHUCK: Well, I just couldn't-

ROMANICA: QUIET. We have had enough of you. Claude, throw him out. No, better yet, fire him out of the cannon.

(Upchuck feints at the thought of being fired. Amy-Gon steps forward.)

AMY-GON: Listen, we come from the Republic. A large army is moving against the Naboo.

ROMANICA: We don't like the Naboo. They have no modeling sense. They think they're better than us. Stupid Artsy types

DARI-WAN: Wait a second; even if you don't agree with the Naboo, you have to realize that the Pep Squads will attack you once they're done on the surface.

ROMANICA: I don't think so.

AMY-GON: Fine, then at least allow us to leave and continue on our way.

(Romanica seems ready to disagree, but Amy-Gon gets an idea)

AMY-GON: We'll even take leech-face here with us.

ROMANICA: (smiling) Fine, take him and go. Claude, give them a Bongo. The quickest way to the Naboo is through the Planet's Core (She laughs evilly)

(Amy-Gon turns to leave. She and Dari-Wan pick Upchuck off the ground, and follow Claude out)

DARI-WAN: Amy, what's a Bongo?

AMY-GON: A transport, I hope.

(Cut to outside of Otoh Gunga. The three adventurers ride in a bongo, a small submersible vehicle that looks like a squid. Inside, Dari-Wan drives, with Upchuck riding shotgun and Amy-Gon in the back.)

UPCHUCK: Dis is nutzen.

AMY-GON: Perhaps, but at least we're not dead.

DARI-WAN: Speak for yourself, I'd rather be fried by the Pep Squads, then possibly eaten by some huge underwater fish.

AMY-GON: Ha, ever the pessimist.

DARI-WAN: (smiling) Optimism is overrated.

UPCHUCK: So, how would you lovelies like to find somewhere secluded to get to know each other better.

(Dari-Wan turns in her seat, and very simply, gives Upchuck the Vulcan neck pinch. He promptly fall asleep)

AMY-GON: Dari-Wan, wrong universe.

DARI-WAN: Why'd you bring him along?

AMY-GON: Simple, I felt that if we get into any hairy situation, it would be helpful to have cannon fodder of some form.

DARI-WAN: I see.

(The rest of the trip goes smoothly and the Bongo arrives safely in Theed, partly because I want to get on with the story, mostly because I don't feel like writing any crazy chase sequences involving big fish and very bad puns. Deal with it.)

(Cut to a little meeting between the Dark Lady of the Sith, and the Idiots of the Trade Federation aboard the main Federation ship.)

KEVIN: The game is going great, man.

LI: I will take that to mean that you have met little resistance in the invasion.

KEVIN: Yeah.

LI: Good, report to me when you have the Queen.

(Li's hologram disappears and Kevin is left with Brittany.)

BRITTANY: You didn't tell her about the missing Jedi

KEVIN: Missing what?

(Meanwhile, back at the ranch, uh, I mean Naboo, the Bongo emerges on the surface of the river that runs through Theed. Amy-Gon stands up.)

AMY-GON: Ah, Theed. Nice place. Good décor. Large waterfall.

(Amy-Gon sees that the little river they are in leads to a rather large waterfall, and they are moving towards it quickly.)

AMY-GON: Dari-Wan, can you start the ship back up?

DARI-WAN: Sure, why? (Pulls the keys back out of her pocket, but they fall out of her hand and drop into the water) Oh, no way.

AMY-GON: We have to get to shore, unless becoming a red mark on some rocks is your goal in life.

(Dari-Wan pulls a small devise from one of the pouches in her belt. She points it toward the land, and it fires a small grappling hook. The line secures itself, and she attaches the device to the bongo's hull.)

AMY-GON: Where do you get those wonderful toys?

(Amy-Gon and Dari-Wan grab the wire and start crossing to the shore. On the other side, they try to dry themselves off.)

DARI-WAN: What is it with us getting wet?

UPCHUCK: Perhaps you were unknowingly entered into a cosmic wet T-shirt contest. ROWL!

(Dari-Wan turns and slaps him.)

DARI-WAN: I was hoping that he was still in the Bongo going over the edge.

AMY-GON: So was I. (pause) Oh, well, looks like we're stuck with him. C'mon, the Queen awaits.

DARI-WAN: Amy, I've got-

AMY-GON: DON'T SAY IT!

NARRATOR: Well, that's it for Part II, folks. Will our heroes ever stay dry? Will they ever ditch Upchuck? What about the Queen and her entourage? Join us next time for the answers to all of these and more on THE PRICE IS RIGHT! Sorry, wrong show.

Please R&R Any feedback is welcome


	3. Chapter 3

First off, I own neither Daria (MTV or whoever owns that) nor Star Wars (George Lucas owns that). I am not making anything off of this. I hope that you all enjoy.

NARRATOR: Well, its time for Part III. Let's catch up for anyone who is just tuning in. The evil Viceroy Kevin Gunray has invaded Naboo because Darth Li told him to. Amy-Gon Jinn and Dari-Wan Kenobi have been through a lot and met up with the lecherous Upchuck Binks. Surely, it can only go up from here, right? Not if I can help it.

(In the Palace, Viceroy Kevin along with several cheer-droids escort the Queen and her entourage down the stairs to the lobby.)

JANE: Tell me, Viceroy, how are you planning on getting away with this?

(Kevin just keeps walking, oblivious)

JANE: Viceroy?

(Kevin walks)

JANE: Middleton wins!

KEVIN: (stops) NOOOOOOO! Wait, what?

JANE: Kevin, how are you going to get away with this illegal invasion?

KEVIN: Oh, well, the crazy old lady told me that if you sign a treaty legitimizing our occupation, then I won't get penalized, and that means I get a touchdown for the team.

(The Queen's entourage is thoroughly perplexed by this logic)

JANE: I will not sign your treaty.

KEVIN: Uh, then, I guess…Commander, process them.

(The nearest cheer-droid raises its blaster rifle and points it at the Queen and the entourage.)

CHEER-DROID: Roger, roger. (to the Queen) Come with me.

(The Queen and the entourage are led out of the Palace, through the city. Meanwhile, Amy-Gon, Dari-Wan, and Upchuck watch from above. When the large group gets close, The two Jedi jump down and start dispatching the droids with the greatest of ease.)

AMY-GON: Your Highness, you must come with us.

(The group finds a nice back alley to speak in. They find Upchuck ready with a set table and wine.)

DARI-WAN: What the f!#?

UPCHUCK: Welcome, lovely ladies. I see that you have picked up a new lovely female. I am most delighted to meet you.

AMIDALA: A Gungan. I thought they only worry about modeling.

UPCHUCK: Oh, I am more interested in love. ROWLR!

(Amy-Gon, having had enough, slaps Upchuck across the back of his head)

AMY-GON: Shut up. Your Highness, we were sent by the Supreme Chancellor.

MAX: Your negotiations failed, man!

AMY-GON: The negotiations never took place. We must leave. They will kill you if you stay.

MAX: They wouldn't dare. We're criminales!

TRENT: No, they need her to sign their treaty and make all of this legal.

(Dari-Wan, seeing Trent coming to the forefront, starts to blush. Amy-Gon notices and elbows her.)

AMY-GON: I only know that the Federation is only good at Football. They'll make you watch their games. You will die of boredom. Still, we have to get you to Coruscant.

JANE: I don't know, hmm.

MAX: Senator Palpatine could use you help stating our case to the Senate. Besides, you don't like football.

TRENT: Yeah, and Coruscant has that big Mall of the Millennium with that new art supplies store

JANE: That's true, let's go.

DARI-WAN: Well, that was easy.

AMY-GON: Which way to a ship?

TRENT: Follow me, we'll use the Tank.

MAX: It's indestructible.

(The group leaves the alley and run for the hanger. In the hanger, they see several cheer-droids guarding pilots and a large black ship with graffiti and posters on it. It is the TANK.)

TRENT: First off, we'll have to free those pilots.

MAX: Then, get on board the Tank.

AMY-GON: I suggest we leave someone behind.

JANE: Why?

AMY-GON: Look at the size of the car, its not going to hold everyone, so we should only take the bare necessities. That would be the Queen, her handmaidens, a pilot, and us, the Jedi.

JANE: Sounds okay, but I insist we bring Captain Trent with us. He could prove a valuable asset to the mission.

(Dari-Wan turns bright red. Amy-Gon smiles when she sees this. No one else notices, yet.)

AMY-GON: Sure, why not?

MAX: What about me?

TRENT: Max, you and the others can stay, and fight the Federation any way you know how, okay?

(Max is a little uneasy about this, but before he can say anything, the others go into the hanger and prepare to leave Naboo. Dari-Wan breaks off from the group and heads towards the cheer-droids guarding the pilots. Amy-Gon and the other approach the cheer-droids guarding the Tank.)

CHEER-DROID: Where are you taking these people?

AMY-GON: I am an ambassador for the Supreme Chancellor and I am taking these people to Coruscant.

CHEER-DROID: Where?

AMY-GON: Coruscant.

CHEER-DROID: Where's that?

AMY-GON: How can you not know where it is? It's the capitol of the Republic.

CHEER-DROID: Huh?

AMY-GON: Oh, for goodness sakes. (Amy-Gon pulls out her lightsaber, and just slices the cheer-droid into little bits, and she goes after the other droids. The Queen and the others run into the Tank. Dari-Wan, on the other hand, has destroyed her set of droids and freed the pilots. One of them follows and goes aboard the Tank. He gets in the driver's seat, saying "Cool.")

TRENT: Jesse, get us out of here!

(The Tank lifts off and jets out of the hanger, rocketing towards space.)

(Inside the Tank, Dari-Wan drags Upchuck into a small maintenance room where several small astro-droids are awaiting work.)

DARI-WAN: Now, wait here and don't come out until someone gets you.

UPCHUCK: Not staying to put this private area to some good use.

(Dari-Wan does not dignify his remark with a response, and she closes the door as quickly as it can.)

(Dari-Wan comes up to the cockpit just as the Tank comes into the range of the Federation's weapons. The Tank finds itself under heavy fire. The Tank starts to rock under the barrage.)

DARI-WAN: (Mocking a certain Jedi Master) Adventure, ha! Excitement, ha! A Jedi craves not these things. (Normal) We may not crave it, but it happens to us anyway.

TRENT: At least the shields are holding.

(The next blast causes a large boom, and an alarm goes off in the cockpit)

JESSE: The shield generator's been hit.

AMY-GON: (To Trent) You had to say it, didn't you, Captain?

TRENT: Get the droids out there to repair the shields.

JESSE: Right.

(In the maintenance room with Upchuck, the six droids activate and go over to an elevator tube that shoots them out to the hull of the Tank. The droids ride along the hull to an area that has been blasted out. They begin repairs on the shields. One of the droids is blasted before it gets to the generator, and another soon after it begins the repairs. A third gets obliterated by the Federation's cannonade.)

TRENT: (As a fourth droid is destroyed) We're losing droids, fast.

(Outside, the last two droids work furiously to finish the repairs. At the last moment, one of them is destroyed, and the last one is able to finish.)

JESSE: The droid did it. The Shields are back.

AMY-GON: Get us out of here.

JESSE: Cool.

(The Tank rushes past the blockade, and jumps into hyperspace. The problems aren't over yet.)

JESSE: Uh-oh.

AMY-GON: What?

JESSE: We're not going to make it very far.

TRENT: Well, the Tank eats gas.

JESSE: It's not fuel, the hyperdrive was damaged, the most we'll get is a few lightyears, then we're stuck.

AMY-GON: We'll need to stop and make repairs.

(Dari-Wan goes to the navi-computer, and does some checking)

DARI-WAN: Amy-Gon, I've found a good spot. It's a nearby planet, Tatooine.

AMY-GON: Perfect. It's small, out of the way, and the Trade Federation will never look there.

TRENT: Why not?

AMY-GON: It's controlled by the Hutts.

TRENT: HUTTS! We can't take the Queen there. The Hutts are gangsters!

AMY-GON: Yes, but unlike the Federation, they're not looking for us, which will give us the advantage.

(Back on the Federation Ship's meeting room, Viceroy Kevin and Brittany are again speaking to the holographic Darth Li)

KEVIN: We have, like, complete control of the planet, Lady.

LI: Has the Queen signed the treaty?

KEVIN: Umm, well. You see…It's like this-

LI: Well, Viceroy?

KEVIN: She escaped.

LI: WHAT?!?

KEVIN: Well, you see-

LI: Enough! (Li gestures and another figure enters the hologram. This figure is large and brutish. His face is heavily tattooed.) This is my apprentice, Darth Sherman. He will find your lost ship.

(The hologram disappears and Kevin and Brittany are again left alone.)

BRITTANY: This is getting crazy.

KEVIN: Yeah, now there are, like, two of those Sith guys.

(Cut to the Tank where The Jedi and the Queen's entourage gather around the lucky astro-droid who finished the shield repairs.)

TRENT: It's definitely a unique little droid. He saved us all.

JANE: What's its number?

TRENT: (checking the droid) R2-D2, Your Highness.

JANE: Neato. Hey, fix him up.

HANDMAIDEN: Ah, what the hell, I'll take care of it.

(The Handmaiden takes R2 and leads him out of the room.)

JANE: Now that that's out of the way, what else did you guys want to talk about?

AMY-GON: Your Highness, because of our hyperdrive problems, I have suggested that we set down on the planet Tatooine in order to fix the Tank.

TRENT: I don't agree with the lady, Janey, but its not like we really have a choice.

JANE: Anything nice about the planet.

AMY-GON: Not really, it's a desert populated mostly by the dregs of the universe and controlled by the Mob.

JANE: Sounds cool. Let's go.

JESSE: Cool.

(Cut to Coruscant. On the balcony of a suite, Darth Li and Darth Sherman speak.)

SHERMAN: At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have revenge.

LI: What did you just say?

SHERMAN: I thought it would sound cool to say.

LI: Don't think. I don't have you around to think. I have you around to provide security, and beat people up.

SHERMAN: Right, sorry. Where am I going again?

LI: You are going to Tatooine, and you're going to find the Queen and take her back to Naboo to sign the treaty.

SHERMAN: It won't be hard to find her there, I mean she'll stand out like a sore thumb.

LI: Move against the two Jedi first. Once they are dead, the Queen will have no choice but to cooperate.

SHERMAN: Right, kill the misery chicks, then bag the Queen. No prob!

LI: Well, get going.

(Sherman leaves, running, but a loud clang is soon heard. Li turns, only to see that Sherman has hit the wall with his head.)

LI: Idiot.

NARRATOR: Well, that's Part III. Our motley crew is on their way to Tatooine. And so is the nasty Darth Sherman. How will the Jedi handle the brutal Sith? Will they have any problems with the locals? What do you think?

Please R&R Any feedback is welcome


	4. Chapter 4

First off, I own neither Daria (MTV or whoever owns that) nor Star Wars (George Lucas owns that). I am not making anything off of this. I hope that you all enjoy.

NARRATOR: Welcome, True Believers, to Part IV. What's been happening? Well, that's simple. Two Jedi Knights, Amy-Gon Jinn and her padawan Dari-Wan Kenobi, were sent to negotiate the end of the Lawndale Federation's blockade of the planet Naboo. That plan backfired and now The Jedi are escorting Queen Jane Amidala to the remote planet of Tatooine

(The Tank sits in the desert, surrounded by sand and heat. Inside, the air conditioner is working overtime. Dari-Wan is watching Trent and Jesse trying to work on the hyperdrive, well she's mostly watching Trent. Amy-Gon walks in, she smirks.)

AMY-GON: You know what they say about staring, my young padawan.

DARI-WAN: No, what?

AMY-GON: It never means something good.

DARI-WAN: (annoyed) Shouldn't you be trying to find a replacement for the hyperdrive.

AMY-GON: Do we really need one? This one looks repairable.

DARI-WAN: Mistress Amy-Gon, let me put it this way, Trent has asked three times for a Phillips-head wrench, and Jesse wants a needle-nosed hammer. If we wait for these two to fix this thing, the movie would be over.

AMY-GON: Good point. I'll go find us a replacement.

DARI-WAN: Are you going alone?

AMY-GON: No, I'm going to take the droid, he can carry the list, and the jerk so if I need to, I can sell him on the black market for credits.

DARI-WAN: Alright, I'll stay here and keep in touch.

AMY-GON: Be sure to keep an eye on Trent.

DARI-WAN: Suddenly, I want something very bad to happen to you.

(Amy-Gon smiles then leaves, and starts to walk out of the tank with R2 and Upchuck in tow. Suddenly Captain Trent and Queen Jane come out after her.)

TRENT: Hey, wait. Janey wants to go with you.

AMY-GON: Absolutely not. This city is no place for a Queen. Who knows what could happen.

JANE: Hey, I want to come along, and I figure it beats watching your apprentice ogling my brother.

AMY-GON: He's your brother.

JANE: Yeah, who else am I going to have in the post?

AMY-GON: Someone competent.

JANE: Hey, we live on a pacifist planet, and the people like the Spiral. So, I put him up in the job. And he's good at it, when he's awake. It's not like he actually has to work or anything.

AMY-GON: Good point.

JANE: So I can come.

AMY-GON: No!

JANE: Why not?

AMY-GON: One: You're a Queen. That's going to be pretty awkward when we introduce ourselves to the natives. Two: It's dangerous, you could get hurt, or worse, kidnapped or killed…Actually, you know what, now that I mention it I don't want to go alone. Come along if you want.

JANE: Cool. See ya, Trent.

(Trent, however, doesn't respond, he is just standing still. It is soon apparent that he is sleeping standing up.)

JANE: He does this all the time.

AMY-GON: Nice. Okay, while we're in the city, they can't know who we are, so if anyone asks, we're just a couple of smugglers who have fallen on hard times, okay?

JANE: Sure, I like being disreputable.

(Amy-Gon, Jane, Upchuck, and R2-D2 set off toward the city of Mos Espa. It is a truly cosmopolitan place, sand, sand, sand, and just when you thought there was something else, it is just more sand. Also, there are many disreputable looking aliens skulking around and being generally mean-spirited. The four walk around the city, trying to find someone to help them. Eventually, they come upon a storefront. The sign says "Axl's Piercings, Tattoos, and Junk." They enter, and are almost immediately accosted by a flying alien who happens to own the store.)

AXL: Hey, what do you blokes want?

AMY-GON: R2 here has a list of the parts we need, but mostly we need a hyperdrive for "The Tank".

AXL: Hyperdrive, yeah, I got one o' those. A Hutt wanted me to turn it into a tongue stud for him.

AMY-GON: Why do you still have it?

AXL: Didn't fit.

AMY-GON: Can I see it?

AXL: C'mon, it's out back. (To offscreen) Hey, Kid, get out here.

(Nine-year old Tom Skywalker walks into the shop.)

TOM: I'm right here, Axl. What do you need?

AXL: I need you to watch the store while I try to pawn some junk off on these folks.

TOM: Sure, go ahead.

AXL: (To Amy-Gon) Come on, let's find the junk you need.

AMY-GON: Lead on. (To Jane) R2 and I will be right back, you stay here.

UPCHUCK: What should I do?

AMY-GON: Stay out of the way, and leave the girl alone.

UPCHUCK: You ruin all my fun.

AMY-GON: It's a living.

(Axl leads Amy-Gon and R2 out to the back. Tom sees Jane and decides to strike up a conversation)

TOM: Hi, I'm Tom. What's your name

JANE: Yo-

UPCHUCK: (Interrupting) I am Upchuck Binks, and my lovely here is-

(Upchuck is stopped when Jane socks him in the face. He's out like a light.)

TOM: Like I always say, hit the nose.

JANE: Really?

TOM: No. Let's try this again. Hi, I'm Tom

JANE: Name's Jane. What do you do around here?

TOM: I help Axl fix things up. I'm good at fixing things.

JANE: How long have you been doing it?

TOM: Since my mom and I were sold to Axl by Gardulla the Hutt.

JANE: You're a slave.

TOM: Yeah, it sucks. Someday, I'll get out of here, and my mom, too.

JANE: You do anything else?

TOM: I'm a racer.

JANE: Neato.

(Outside, Axl is showing Amy-Gon the hyperdrive. R2 whistles approvingly.)

AMY-GON: It seems your hyperdrive checks out. I'll take it.

AXL: Excellent.

AMY-GON: I have 5000 Republic credits. Just give me the parts.

AXL: Republic credits! They're no good out here, I need something more real.

AMY-GON: Okay, how about I trade you the Gungan for the hyperdrive.

AXL: No way. That guy looks useless. The girl, maybe.

AMY-GON: Can't do that.

AXL: Then no deal.

AMY-GON: Fine (Amy-Gon walks away from Axl and drags Upchuck out of the store. She motions for Jane to follow.)

JANE: I gotta get going. It was nice meeting you, Tom.

TOM: It was nice meeting you, too.

(When the four travelers are gone, Axl comes in cursing)

AXL: Damn tourists, they always think we're idiots.

TOM: They're not all so bad.

AXL: Ahh, clean the shop, then you can go home.

TOM: Fine.

NARRATOR: That's four parts out of the way. What new surprises lie in store for our heroes? Who know what evils lie in the hearts of men? Who ya' gonna call?

Please R&R Any feedback is welcome


	5. Chapter 5

First off, I own neither Daria (MTV or whoever owns that) nor Star Wars (George Lucas owns that). I am not making anything off of this. I hope that you all enjoy.

Second, I am really sorry for not updating this sooner, but my life really took a nasty turn and I won't talk about it here. I do plan on completing the Trilogy, but it is going to take a while. Thanks for sticking around.

NARRATOR: Part V, finally. For those of you who have not been paying any attention: Amy-Gon Jinn and her padawan Dari-Wan Kenobi tried to get the Lawndale Federation to leave Naboo alone, but Viceroy Kevin wasn't listening so he invaded the planet instead. Now, on Tatooine, with Queen Jane, Artoo-Detoo, and the Gungan Upchuck Binks, Amy-Gon is trying to find a way to pay for a replacement hyperdrive, a task for which Upchuck is useless, as usual.

(Amy-Gon is standing in a small alley, speaking through a communicator to Dari-Wan. Meanwhile, Jane is standing in the plaza trying to see great subjects for paintings. Upchuck is trying to pick up chicks.)

AMY-GON: He didn't go for my payment options. Is there any way that we can repair the hyperdrive ourselves?

DARI-WAN: (over the communicator) Unfortunately, no. Trent and Jesse took the thing apart and can't put it back together.

AMY-GON: Can you put back together?

DARI-WAN: I'm a Jedi, not an engineer. Besides, there was a sledgehammer involved.

(Amy-Gon puts on her best "I will not kill" face.)

AMY-GON: I don't think I want to know.

(In the background, Upchuck starts hitting on two Twi'lek twins.)

AMY-GON: Is there anything we could sell on the ship?

DARI-WAN: Are you kidding?

(Upchuck is approached by an alien, who is obviously the "boyfriend" of the twins.)

AMY-GON: I'll just have to figure something out. Talk to you later.

DARI-WAN: Bye.

(The "Boyfriend" has now gotten to Upchuck. Without a word, he just decks Upchuck. Amy-Gon turns just in time to see this. Jane is chuckling in the background.)

EVAN: Leave my girls alone.

UPCHUCK: Yours?

EVAN: Yeah.

UPCHUCK: Okay, I'll just find some other lovelies.

EVAN: No, you won't.

(As this is happening, Jane sidles over to Amy-Gon.)

JANE: Shouldn't we stop him from killing your friend?

AMY-GON: He isn't my friend. And I brought him along to take the beatings.

JANE: Oh, okay.

UPCHUCK: How will you stop me?

EVAN: By beating you to within an inch of your life.

UPCHUCK: (meekly) Help.

JANE: Are you sure you don't want to help him?

AMY-GON: Just watch and be entertained.

(Evan proceeds to beat Upchuck. Tom eventually walks up to Jane and Amy-Gon.)

TOM: Hey, what's going on?

AMY-GON: Upchuck is fulfilling his destiny.

(Evan eventually tires of beating Upchuck, and leaves with his twins. Amy-Gon walks over to Upchuck, and kicks him. He groans.)

AMY-GON: Damn, he's still alive. I guess we're stuck with him.

JANE: I feel like we should do something.

(After a moment, she kicks Upchuck as well.)

TOM: Hey, how about we take him to my house to recuperate.

(Amy-Gon and Jane shrug, deciding to join him. A compartment opens on Artoo's back, and a grappler wire flies and grabs Upchuck's foot. The droid drags Upchuck behind it.)

(On the ship, Dari-Wan, Trent, and Jesse are sitting on a couch watching tv. The phone rings)

JESSE: Should I pick it up?

TRENT: Nah, that's what the answering machine is for.

TV ANNOUNCER: They're large! They're round! They're nothing but curves! HUTT STRIPPERS! Next on Sick, Sad, Galaxy!

DARI-WAN: Gross.

TRENT & JESSE: Yeah.

(Finally, the answering machine picks up. Jane's voice comes up.)

JANE (on machine): You've reached The Tank, home of Queen Jane's party hotline. Leave your message.

MAX (over phone): DUDES! This is Max. I need your help. Viceroy Kevin keeps playing football! GIVE ME A CALL! I'M NOT GOING TO LAST, MAN!

(The answering machine beeps as it cuts him off.)

(Cut to: Amy-Gon, Jane, Tom, Artoo, and Upchuck entering a small hovel. Kay is already there drinking a cup of tea.)

TOM: Mom, I'm home.

KAY: Hello, Tom. Who are your friends?

AMY-GON: (cutting in) I am Amy-Gon Jinn, this is Jane, the droid is Artoo, and the unconscious leech-face is Upchuck.

KAY: What strange people.

TOM: (pointing to Amy-Gon) She's a Jedi.

AMY-GON: How did you know that?!

JANE: (Sheepish) I kinda told him when you were talking with Axl.

TOM: Besides, I saw your lightsaber hanging off of your belt.

AMY-GON: (seeing her lightsaber in plain sight.) Oh. I guess that is a dead give-away.

KAY: What are you doing here?

AMY-GON: Well, we were on our way to Coruscant, but our hyperdrive broke down and we had to land here. Axl didn't want to take our credits for the hyperdrive that he has.

KAY: Yeah, he's kind of spacy like that.

TOM: I was thinking of showing Jane the racer I built.

(Without waiting for a response, Jane and Tom leave. Artoo decides to leave. Kay turns to Upchuck.)

KAY: What's his story?

AMY-GON: He's the expendable bait that we brought along. Hopefully, he won't wake up.

KAY: Until later?

AMY-GON: Ever. (Pause) So, what do you do?

KAY: Not much. Axl won us in a gamble, and he uses us to help out in the Piercing Shop. Really, he uses us as collateral against most of his wagers in the races.

AMY-GON: What about Tom?

KAY: He is a gifted boy. He can sometimes see things before they happen. He can race pods.

AMY-GON: Podracing. Premonitions. You know, those are abilities that we Jedi possess. Maybe the boy is Force-sensitive. Anything else?

KAY: He can build and repair just about anything…

AMY-GON: (Seeing an opportunity) Like our hyperdrive?

KAY: Maybe.

AMY-GON: How much to use him for repairing the hyperdrive.

KAY: (Deciding to bargain) I'm not sure. You see, Tom and I are slaves, and I really don't want him to grow up with that.

AMY-GON: What if I took him with us?

KAY: Would he be free?

AMY-GON: Of course.

KAY: You're not going to treat him like…him? (points to Upchuck)

AMY-GON: Oh, no. Since the boy may be Force-sensitive, I will run some tests and see if he can be trained as a Jedi.

KAY: Do you really think this will work?

AMY-GON: Would you prefer wagering our ship in the pod-races, then using your son, risking his life, as the only hope for our getting off the planet some time in my lifetime?

KAY: You're right, this will work.

AMY-GON: Do you want to come?

KAY: Not really. I am kind of attached to this. I don't have to do much.

AMY-GON: If you don't mind, we'd like to stay the night, and we'll leave in the morning. That way, you can say good bye properly.

KAY: Thanks.

AMY-GON: I do want to know something, where is his father?

KAY: Father? Tom doesn't have one.

AMY-GON: WHAT?!

KAY: I got pregnant and gave birth to him, but there was no father.

AMY-GON: That's weird.

KAY: I agree, but it happened.

AMY-GON: This is starting to sound familiar.

KAY: What?

AMY-GON: There is a prophesy that a Jedi will be born and bring balance to the Force.

KAY: Balance? Isn't that a little optimistic for the Jedi?

AMY-GON: We're sarcastic and realistic, not pessimistic.

KAY: Oh, okay.

(Meanwhile, Tom and Jane walk in from outside and go to his room. It is a typical boy's room: i.e. dirty.)

TOM: What did you think?

JANE: I'm not sure that I would want to drive around in that pod racer thing. But it is definitely cool.

(Jane sees a droid lying across a table. The droid is not complete, lacking covers for the wires and frame.)

JANE: What's this?

TOM: I decided to build a droid to help my mom. He's okay, a little prissy, but he means well.

JANE: Why is he deactivated?

TOM: I'm trying to stop it from learning? It is obsessed with becoming fluent in over six million forms of communication. I call him Threepio. Want to meet him?

JANE: Let's leave him off for now.

TOM: Okay. How about you tell me a little more about yourself?

JANE: What do you want to know?

TOM: What do you do all day?

JANE: I'm a Queen.

TOM: Cool. Is that fun?

JANE: Yeah, it's a blast.

TOM: How'd you become Queen, did your parents die?

JANE: No, all government positions are elected on Naboo. The Queen is elected to five year terms. And we can serve for a maximum of two terms.

TOM: Elected royalty?

JANE: Hey, I didn't make the system. I just use it to rule. Anything else you wanna know?

TOM: How old are you?

JANE: Fourteen. You?

TOM: I'm nine

(Behind them, Kay enters the room.)

KAY: Tom, we need to talk.

(The scene changes to the edge of town. Darth Sherman looks through binoculars.)

SHERMAN: Dammit, can't see anyone.

(A small probe droid flies up to him.)

PROBE: You have the covers on the lenses.

(Darth Sherman looks at the binoculars. The lens covers are still on. He pulls out his lightsaber and destroys the droid. He pulls the covers off, and returns the binoculars to his eyes.)

SHERMAN: I STILL CAN'T SEE ANYTHING.

NARRATOR: So much for Part V. Get ready for Part VI. Sorry, no smart remarks today. Hey, you get what you pay for, and you're not paying me. Dang it, you tricked me.

Please R&R Any feedback is welcome


End file.
